noble mum

Throughout the entire day,i've been plauged by that word,it seemed to shadow me around incessantly.Its funny how you seem to look forward to something then when that thing finally comes,you would think that time had past like a fleeting shadow.

I was being so conceited today.I had lost count at how many times i chanted,'It's my birthday leh.' and though i tried to curb myself,it just came out before i could think and then i would feel so disgusted with myself.Every year this day,i would feel that today is somehow really special,that everything must go well for my sake and everything.But it wasn't going to and i hate myself more for feeling that way.Nothing goes the way you want it.

Not to mention,i saw this guy that looked alot like him.I was thinking of how things would totally be now if at the moment,i was saint enough.But it didn't and i don't regret any of it,though i felt like someone had open up a bigger hole in that childhood,magnifying it.

I wanted to breakthrough it,and my friends,whom always say they are definitly going to help with that something,i just nodded and smile but i knew,it will never happen and it was because of me and not them.I would stop them in their tracks right there and then,then for the rest of the week i'll be chiding myself on how useless i am.So many years,it had hurt me so.And the worst part is,there wasn't anyone's fault,not mine,not his.But i just couldn't summon the courage to do it.

17 years old...I'm no longer sweet 16,i'm already halfway through an adult phase and i'm still burdened by that.How will i ever survive i wonder?As i grew older,it seemed to be imprinted deeper.I'm really tired of ranting of it to my friends when firstly,it's my fault and secondly,they won't understand how it feels.Then in the train,rina they all asked if i put anything inside the heart pendant and i said no.But i shall say out why here.It represents my heart,the day smth is filled shall be my breakthrough day.I sincerely hope it will arrive soon.

Also...i also feel that celebrations after my actual birthday feels kinda weird and dead.Like i'm no longer special.I dunno...Im so confused right nw.

noble mum

Throughout the entire day,i've been plauged by that word,it seemed to shadow me around incessantly.Its funny how you seem to look forward to something then when that thing finally comes,you would think that time had past like a fleeting shadow.

I was being so conceited today.I had lost count at how many times i chanted,'It's my birthday leh.' and though i tried to curb myself,it just came out before i could think and then i would feel so disgusted with myself.Every year this day,i would feel that today is somehow really special,that everything must go well for my sake and everything.But it wasn't going to and i hate myself more for feeling that way.Nothing goes the way you want it.

Not to mention,i saw this guy that looked alot like him.I was thinking of how things would totally be now if at the moment,i was saint enough.But it didn't and i don't regret any of it,though i felt like someone had open up a bigger hole in that childhood,magnifying it.

I wanted to breakthrough it,and my friends,whom always say they are definitly going to help with that something,i just nodded and smile but i knew,it will never happen and it was because of me and not them.I would stop them in their tracks right there and then,then for the rest of the week i'll be chiding myself on how useless i am.So many years,it had hurt me so.And the worst part is,there wasn't anyone's fault,not mine,not his.But i just couldn't summon the courage to do it.

17 years old...I'm no longer sweet 16,i'm already halfway through an adult phase and i'm still burdened by that.How will i ever survive i wonder?As i grew older,it seemed to be imprinted deeper.I'm really tired of ranting of it to my friends when firstly,it's my fault and secondly,they won't understand how it feels.Then in the train,rina they all asked if i put anything inside the heart pendant and i said no.But i shall say out why here.It represents my heart,the day smth is filled shall be my breakthrough day.I sincerely hope it will arrive soon.

Also...i also feel that celebrations after my actual birthday feels kinda weird and dead.Like i'm no longer special.I dunno...Im so confused right nw.